It's not that I don't want to, It's I don't even know how..

It's not that I don't want to, It's I don't even know how..

Now things have turned out this way, what am I even supposed to feel?

`x estee x`

And thank you for showing me, that girl friends cannot be trusted.

I think, I really think, you hurt me damn bad.

Friends? Girlfriends? Are you serious?

I supposed that night was a way of compensation?

And to think I felt so guilty for maybe joking a lil' too harsh that night.

I don't know man, I really don't.

What good will there be?

I can't believe you're such a person.

I don't know, I don't wanna know, I really don't know what to do anymore.

Why should I pretend that I don't care, when in actual fact I really do?

For all I know, you're constantly telling tales about me behind my back which are not even true and I'm still happily talking to you at your very face.

Know what girl? I am damn fucking sad, I am damn fucking hurt.

`x estee x`

Seventeen!

I AM SEVENTEEN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! (:

LOTS TO UPDATE!

THANKS TO MANY MANY MANY PEOPLE FOR THE WISHES! :D

Will update more detailed soon!

`x estee x`

Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

`x estee x`

F.love.

Fuck love.

`x estee x`

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Somehow or rather, I guess I can never forget 14 May..

Headed home after school then left house again at 8 to meet the lovely people for dinner.
Dinner was at Fish&Co. with David, Deborah, Desmond, Desmond's girl-friend (Jenelle?), Gordon, Priscilla and Titus.
It was meant to be a surprise birthday dinner for me.
Honestly, I didn't really expect cause there's still 8 days till my actual day.
But I'm really grateful for everything.
As usual, Pris treated me! :(
Cannot like that okay! Your birthday, my turn to treat youuu!

Oh, I guess I'm never gonna go Fish&Co. to celebrate my birthday again.
I was asked to stand on a chair and the waitresses shouted to the whole restaurant to sing a birthday song for me.
So much for the attention. :/
Me no likey attention. Especially when that scenario was bad enough.
But nonetheless, I'd still love to thank the lovely waitresses for the song. :)

Thank you all so much. It's indeed very memorable.
I can finally blog on mysilent-sayings after so long..

`x estee x`

An hour an a half.

This week's submission week!
So everyone in Design school is basically rushing through!
I am vey much used to it, yea so fast!

I've finally finished everything!
Unbelievable! But I'm very proud of myself! :)

Yay, Dinner tonight with Pris and the guys!
So long never see Pris already!
Right, tata! I shall prepare for school now!

`x estee x`

Thirty-three hours.

The clock is ticking..

Time is running out.

I dread to see the outcome.

`x estee x`

There can be miracles, when you believe.

I'm pretty much drained from the amount of work that is pending. Some of which are not even possible to be done now cause the camera has to be charged. I've been thinking of ideas for my FunDigPho's final assignment. I vividly remember I was pretty much the only one that went like 'YAY!' when I got my theme for the final assignment.

Name: Estee Kho Xiao Juan
Subject: Colors (with human touch)

Colors! I remember saying I love colors a lot somewhere here! And yes I really do! But taking a step back and analyzing further, it's not that easy to capture the essence of the theme. Colors! It's anywhere and everywhere! But how then, do I bring out the strength and message of the photo?

It's a challenge. It's my challenge.

I consulted Mathias yesterday and none of my photos couldn't be use to get a decent pass. I knew it. Even before I consulted him, I knew it. I was utterly disappointed with myself.
"Estee Kho, are you serious on showing these piece of crap? You know you're capable of doing better than that."

And indeed, Mathias directed that fact out.
"No.. We can't use any of that. Estee, I've seen your work. You're much capable than that. You're much more colorful than that. You have to see beyond the problem. Look at the solution and not the problem. Only then you're able to bring out your creativity. The solution is to think out of the box, being creative. And you definitely have that."

I finally understand why previous batches of Mathias broke down before him. Cause one thing for sure, I could have done so too yesterday. The words, the believe, the confidence Mathias have in us is insurmountable of what I felt lecturers would never have.

Stepping into poly life, we were all treated and respected as young responsible adults. And from what I observed, there isn't much connection a lecturer would have between students and themselves. I really do not want to let these people who believe in me down.

Think of the ordinary as the extraordinary.

`x estee x`

And till now, I've failed so badly.

It took me years to realise how the world is changing everyday. People move on from where they left the previous period. And for some, they can't seem to get out of their past and live each day with negative perceptions within the recesses of their heart. I am utterly disappointed with myself towards the needs of my friends.

Friends - They seem to be anywhere and everywhere. But how many? How many do I actually count as a friend whom I'll be most willing to share my problems with? And yet, how many am I actually able to let them rely on me to share their burdens and problems? I always say: "I'm always a call/sms away if you ever need someone to listen." "I'll be here whenever you need me." "Remember, don't keep everything to yourself. I'm always here." But honestly, am I really able to be there to keep up with my words and promises?

A very close friend of mine was telling me: "Why is this world so unfair? Why is everyone just thinking for themselves and not others? Why do we always have to give in to them?" I reflected and summed up: "In a friendship, it's like a game of Tug-o-War. Eventually, the loser will fall and the winner will be able to stay on form. Same goes for a friendship, one will naturally have to give in to the other to prevent hurt inflicted on both parties. Imagine none of us were to let the other, the consequences would have been both injuring themselves from the tension of the pull. It's tough to maintain a friendship with mutual understanding and concern, for everyone is different and unique in their own ways. There're always different perspectives to see a solution from a problem. But who then, will be able to judge that their perspective is indeed the right solution?

For now, I'm still learning to be a better friend.

And it's definite that I've failed so much as a friend, till now.

`x estee x`

Ideation!

Oh Hi tinybitsoflove! It's been more than a month since I last blogged! School has started and well I've been packed with assignments non-stop! But I love my modules for this block! MOI is very much not what I expected - it's far better! Okay, at least for now school's been fun!

Right, should really go back to my ideation rationale now. Class's starting in another 45mins!

`x estee x`

Walking Back To Memory Lane (I)

26 March 2010 ;

It was the very last day of work for me! Got to know Leslie, who was taking over my position & awesomely insane good pay, and taught him the ropes of being a Cafe Attendant of RHG! And so half of the day pretty much ended in a breeze and it was Lunch Time! Alicia, Cecelia, Hwei Yee, Joyce, Leanne and Pam treated Leslie and I to Sushi Tei for our Welcome & Farewell lunch respectively! And my god, they ordered insanely much! We were pretty much engaging in our conversation when suddenly Alicia received a phone call. Oh well, no wonder they say working life is never easy. And I agree! That's why I shall treasure my time of studying now! :)

Headed back to Dunman after lunch to meet my dearest boyfriend Teresa Yeap! Walked in and heard Sopranos mellifluous singing in 4E's classroom! Went in and the feeling of seeing juniors was really heartwarming! It's always good to feel young in a classroom rather than old in the working environment! After a while, Sops headed back to AVT for combine. Mr Toh wasn't there cause he's overseas with another Choir. I was pretty sad that I couldn't get to see him. :/ Didn't go down for his birthday celebration the week before tooooo! :( But oh ya, I gotta say this. I swear by hook or by crook I'm going to drag another person down when I'm going back Choir! It's really funny and weird that the whole Choir greets you and only you! "Good Afternoon Alumni!" Oh my god, I swear I didn't even bother to hide my awkwardness that some of the juniors laughed! But any-oh-how, my purpose was to meet Teresa and then head down to the Airport to send Riffin off! Oh god, and yes he's still in Venice enjoying April Fool's! :(

So in between after-choir and Airport, I headed over to Teresa's house while she showered and change into a fresh new set of clothes! Her parents were really nice and sweet to send us to the Airport. :) Uncle also wanted to try out his new lens and camera, and so we all headed down to the Airport together! Before we left, he even took several photos of us in Teresa's purple bedroom wall! Hee! :D And oh yes, felt so embarrassed for them to send me home after that! Oh well, boyfriend if you're seeing this : Thank youuuuuu & your sweet&nice awesome family! :D

`x estee x`

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

The feeling of needing someone yet I don't know who is that someone I want before me..
Maybe a lil' drop of Baileys? :/

`x estee x`

Sentosa down, Dinner at Newton!

I want to go Sentosaaaaa! :( Yes and so in the end we didn't manage to go Sentosa on Saturday cause of the rain. But I was pretty much too tired to get my body out of my soft comfy bed! d: But hey! Dinner was really awesome! The oh-so-awesome Cheng Hua aka Manga Boy drove from Airport to fetch Kathy, Jerome and Me down to Newton while the rest train down on their own! Kathy had Beef Noodles, Jerome and Jason Char Kway Teow and I had Hokkien Mee! Then we had Popiah, Rojak, Satay, Carrot Cake, Stingray, etc. To sum up: Superb! :D

Then we all headed down to East Coast for a lil' walk and arcade! Hahaha, Daytona with Jason was the ultimate joke! Almost to the very end, I was behind Jason! Then I maxx all the way and lean the wall to emerge victory at the end! Hahahaha, Jason's reaction was totally EPIC when the results came out! Heee! :D Sorry Toi Toi!

I don't know.. I'm not sure about this at all. I'm just... just not prepared... for now. Can we just remain status quo? :/

`x estee x`

Coffee Girl!

Okay, so I haven't been on the cyber year for like many thousand light years! But that's because I'm practically stucked with my coffee world for this two weeks! After the end of this week, I'm just going to pamper myself with all the rest I can get! Will update more really soon! Please take care everyone! :)

Spread the happy happy love!

`x estee x`

I'll do whatever it takes.

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Why is it that I do not know the pain and sufferings that people close to my hearts are feeling? Is everyone going to be okay? What exactly happened for the past few days? Please do take care of yourself, especially you two. I'm always here and will always be.

`x estee x`

Moving Images

`x estee x`

"Don't fall for a mad girl!"

And so, the incident just now really did dawn upon me that I'm very affected by getting a 5 for English. Depressed? Very much. But based on present states, Ris Low got a 3 for English and look what happened? No offence/intention of shooting her. Hah, maybe I'm bipolar too.

I might be suffering from depression afterall.. :/ It's not the first time that I'm experiencing a sudden turn from laughing to crying. It's simply hysterical. Perhaps, I may need to consult a psychologist!

"Don't fall for a mad girl!"

I so agree!

`x estee x`

I'll try for your love.

Few hours back was Day One without Girlfriend! Apparently she abandoned me for Thailand! :/ Okay, she abandoned her Superman and Brother too! But I was really nice and sweet to send her off this morning! :) So I woke up around 10 and headed to shower and get ready! Reached her block downstairs around 11. Not long after she and her daddy came down and we waited for a cab! Headed to Terminal 1 and they checked in. Afterwhich, we proceeded to Killiney's Kopitiam area for Jollibean while Uncle drank coffee from Killiney! And very soon, both of them headed in already! :( Bade farewell to Girlfriend! Texted and she boarded!

I was pretty confused and lost when Girlfriend left. From Terminal 1, I skytrain-ed down to Terminal 2 and then walk till the very end to head down to Mac then Polar. Passed by Polar and decicded to grab my Sugar Roll (YUMMMY!) to fill my empty stomach! Headed down again to wait for 34 to go home! Oh my geee, the bus ride from Airport to TPJC Bus Stop is $1.11! What's with the 1s! :(

Oh, I was telling Girlfriend. Just on the eve of her departure, so many things cropped up already. What am I supposed to do for the next 9 days!!! :( I hurt him, yes I did. I don't mean it as a revenge at all, cause afterall I willingly suffered in the past. Maybe everyone may say what I did to him was just a mere fraction of what he did to me. But then again, I won't deny he's someone that I did truly love. It's just that, not every story would end up with a happy ending. There may be love, but will there be happiness? But on my side, I'd say I'm very blessed and lucky.

`x estee x`

If I say you're the one, would you believe me?

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one
would you believe me
If I ask you to stay would you show me the way

Tell me what to say so you don’t leave me
The world is catching up to you
while your running away to chase your dream
Its time for us to make a move
Cause we are asking one another to change
and maybe im not ready

But im trying for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

If I sing you a song would you sing along
Or wait till im gone , oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it’s the start of something beautiful
Am I catching up to you
While your running away , to chase your dreams
Its time for us to face the truth
Cause we are coming to each other to change
and maybe im not ready

But im trying for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one
Would you believe me

`x estee x`