Where do I go from now?

During my FYP, I was very much looking forward to blogging my life again. Until after everything ended, the feel and drive then was not as much as I had that very time. I realized blogging and penning out my thoughts was not so 'fine' for me. I guess you can say maybe Estee Kho has changed...

The passion and excitement during those days of blogging were of much live and fun. Secondary school years was probably one of the best yet worst period of my life. The joys as a teen then were little contentments we had. Receiving our test results with good grades, choir after a whole morning of studying, the lessons taught by our teachers, etc.

Back then, joy was simply one's life simple attainment. But slowly... As we grow and face the world as a young adult, everything about reality seems to hit on us. We find ourselves getting frustrated all the time, knowing the adults that we used to know were not as nice, people are actually scheming creatures, money issues begin to be a burden, finding a job seems like choosing a lifelong partner, etc.

I know most people would be like, hey it's time to settle down now as I am turning 21 next year - Welcome to being an adult.
After graduation from polytechnic, shouldn't I be furthering my studies? It seems funny to me that everyone takes university so seriously like it is compulsory like primary school. I know.. Because being in this generation, most people out there holds at least a degree.. Don't even mention Masters and PhD. And so for us who merely holds a diploma... Where are we supposed to go from here?

The truth is, my answer would be... I don't know.

For me, I treat every job I take up as a challenge and responsibility. And so for now, I am being very cautious with the path that I will take very soon. I am not one that would want to leave my company in a couple of years, but rather contribute to the company my knowledge and working ability with all I've got and even beyond my limits. And so that is my problem now...
For where should I go now?

Where do I belong?

I know deep right down I shouldn't be here...

But it's just.. I feel so down right now and lost and so I guess this is the only place I can turn to for venting my frustrations in a long form instead of Twitter (limiting 160 characters).

It's while animating my Scene 3 midway that I feel all broken deep down inside. It's been a roller-coaster ride for me this few days. I have really no control over my moodswings and sometimes I really wonder if I should just seek professional help for that. It just doesn't seem right how I am so emotionally unstable at times. Yes, I just choose to not show it. Everyone wants to show the strong side of themselves to everyone, and that of course includes me.

You see, compared to many others living out there, they are trying to fight for survival. Their problems make ours so minute that sometimes I really find myself a pain in the ass. A nuisance. I just can't bring myself to feel so positive at my down moment. It's all and all drowning me till it feels like I am deep down underwater. I don't quite mean literally. But it's like the exact feeling I will get when I am struggling underwater cause I can't swim. I try to kick myself up but I find myself going down again. It's like an inner struggle within myself and I know I have to rely on myself to step it up. Not baby, not anyone else. Just me, myself.

It's one more week exactly to submission. It's sinking in to me that I may not be able to do as well as I thought but I already find myself drowning deep under. The immense pressure that is taking a toll on my body and the expectations of the many others who believed in me...

Sorry guys, Estee just isn't good enough to present to you the best of her work. Cause she's just not good enough, never will be...

Lovebird and When I Was Your Man

I would lay down next to you
Stay in bed all afternoon
We were birds of a feather
We were always together

And I never will forget
All the little things you said
And that beautiful summer
Used to call me a love bird

But the time went on, the wind has blown, and I have grown
And I started a feeling
That wings had been broken

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your lovebirds flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cus my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

I want the world at my feet
Even if it's bittersweet
Wanna stand on my own and
Put my heart in my own hands

Cause I begun to see
That you and me are different breeds
So I gotta believe in
Gotta get back to breathing

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your love bird's flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

And you'll always be a part of me
You made me who I am
But I gotta say, I'm not afraid
To test my wingspan.

Cause they say if you love something
Let it go, let it go, let it go
Open up the gate

Cause lovebird's flyin' away
Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

-

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

Time in the parallel universe

Have you ever wonder what would life be like if you are able to control time? Time. It is one thing everyone is fighting against, reaching out for. We know deep down - Life is short. But yet at times we just let it pass by every second just like that. Everyone, and I mean everyone would have wasted at least one second of their life. One second someone could be struggling for survival at the borders between Mexico and the United States. Another second, a new-born baby is trying its very best to be getting out of his or her mother's womb. And another would star just a lonely soul looking at the sky aimlessly, deciding what should their next step be.

Has it been human nature for taking things for granted?

At times, I look at myself and I wonder... How's life gonna be after I graduate, step out of my diploma years. I planned many many roads for myself... too many that now I am at a total loss of what I want to achieve. It is now in this peace and serenity, a space of my own while everyone is sound asleep, that I find myself penning down these emotional thoughts here silently.

Fear. Definitely. FYP is something I should be constantly worried for now. It is the last phase of my poly year, and then I will be a free bird - or rather, a lost bird. The motivation to keep me going has been there indeed. But whenever a though distance me away from what I should be concentrating on, I find myself lost in the dark woods. However I seem to walk or run, I am just unable to reach out for the light.

I know I'm not alone. The love and warmth that my dearly beloved boy is giving has been unconditional and selfless. I am very contented and proud to have him by my side. Though for now he's going through his National Service with the Singapore Police Force at Home Team Academy... we would always try to make full use of that very limited time we have together. It's really no mean feat surviving and supporting this relationship for eight months. Well, I know some of you out there may think it's just eight months.. but these eight months felt like eight years to me, to us. And we know for sure, this road of uncertainty has its ups and downs, but what's a relationship with no challenge, right?

Ok, guess I am just too tired to stay on track of the contents I said.. I am one messed up girl indeed.

I probably just need some time to myself and really think of the future...

Love,

Estee

Mood

It's funny. Funny that how moods are able to change within a short period of time. Mood swings. Something so close and apparent when it comes to being me, and especially when the time of the month for a girl is approaching. At times, I asked myself if there would be one day I would lose it all and let the whole emotional thoughts take over me. I could really get to one extreme that I don't even recognize myself or comprehend what exactly I was doing. Words that hurt, actions that kills. It always happen. And ended up, I would be the one suffering from my own wreckage.

Losing myself, my personality, my mood.

I just wanna be alone for now...

Estee

A minute me

At times I really wondered if since young I would be able to learn the piano like every other kids, life would be almost near perfect. 

Each time, I place my palms on the keyboard I would try as much as possible to sync both of my hands. Practice, practice, practice. But no matter how, I just can't get my hands to work on it. 

Why oh why..? :/

Estee

Feel

I have no idea why I feel so much for both songs. Especially Happy Birthday...

Love,
Estee

Beautiful Saturday Morning

Surprise surprise, it's 0941hrs in the early morning on a Saturday and I am wide awake, in the studio alone, doing my work. Of course for now asI am typing this, I am taking a little break from drawing. This week's progress hasn't been as expected. Wednesday was one whole of a hell day for me. It was the craziest, most painful two hours of my life. No joke. And I still feel like a sinner for ordering my prawn bee hoon and not touch it at all. It's like before ordering, I was already in pain. But I just went ahead to order my food first. Then the next thing I know, I put down my tray and the worst pain moment of my life began.

I rushed straight to the toilet near Mensa. That's a really bad choice considering that the hygiene of the toilet wasn't that good. But the pain was beyond excruiciating that I had no other choice. I was stuck in the cubicle for about twenty minutes or so and it was really a mad, insane, crazy experience. I began to break out in cold sweat. It was literally like I was in labour. Ok, I wouldn't know how labour feels. But I know after this, I immediately told Baby I don't wanna give birth anymore and ask him to find another girl to give him babies. Haha! As usual his face is like "HUH?!" Lol, I bet I am the only crazy girlfriend that would ask her boyfriend to do that. :P

But anyway, I managed to get out of the shit I was in and walked out holding my stomach like I was assasinated at that area. But no, I was wrong. I rushed back in to the toilet and vomitted out some thick greenish milky white liquid. It was seriously HELL. I honestly thought I was gonna faint there and probably no one would ever find out until several hours later.. Near death experience? Ok, probably not.

So this time I really make my way back to Aaron, Syaz and Boss at Mensa 1. I see my prawn bee hoon and it made me feel like puking so I had to ask Aaron to get it out of my sight. The road back from Mensa to Design was like ten thousand miles for me. I just dropped at the floor just outside Mensa area and poor Syaz had to lift me up and support me back to Design. Back in Design school, I headed to the first level toilet again. This time it was the exact same experience that happened at Mensa's toilet. Syaz headed up to pass me the panadol to ease the pain. I honestly have no idea how I survived that day. I collapsed on the floor again, shivering and breaking out in cold sweat at the end of the stairs from level one to three's studio. Syaz asked Aaron to call Brian out and he was shocked to see me in such a frail state. He immediately piggy-backed me to the G.O and then the sick bay.

Sister had to pick me up while I was in the sick bay. I was really too weak to stay on in school any longer. I am really thankful for Syaz, Brian and the others who has helped me in one way or another. And of course my darling Baby who dotes on me like a pampered princess. I can't imagine what life would have been if not for you. Hearing my condition and that I was left alone at home after Sis had to go back to office, he immediately asked his boss if he could leave earlier and came straight to take care of me. At night when Mummy came back, they accompanied me to Dr.Tan and he diagnosed me as food poisoning(?). It's most probably something wrong that I ate but till now I have no idea what did I eat that made me like that. But nevertheless, all I know is that I had no appetite or anything even up to now. Porridge never tasted so nice to me that I don't mind eating plain porridge everyday with my favourite chye sim! Okay, I guess it's back to work time! Oh god, what have I been doing wasting my time again! :/

Love,

Estee

Ambiguity

It's always a wonder why my mood can swing so fast and badly.
There's so much going through my head, yet time is stopping me from sitting down and think about it. Where is everything leading to? 3

The road in front feels so ambiguous...

Dyspnea

Air hunger, they call it.

A normal symptom of heavy exertion but becomes pathological if it occurs in unexpected situations.

Headed up to the 5th level just now to get my bottle filled. As I looked down the railings, I felt like I was gonna fall anytime. The whole image was blurry and my heart skipped a beat now and then.

Back at the studio, I was sketching my storyboard thumbnails halfway when suddenly my hands started feeling numb. I find myself crossing my arms, hands clenching tightly.

Estee

Friends by Day, Friends by Night

I can only say the day really started off really badly. From past midnight all the way to the morning. It was in fact hell, and the fact that there's no one I can turn to to talk about it, hurts a lot. There's so much to think and understand, to go through and survive.. Why is it that the first half of 2012 has to be so cruel to me..? I am not okay. But then again, I can't express it out at all...

Attended Audi Fashion Fever in the noon with Kathy, Wai Yan and Baby. Have to really thank Kathy for letting me experience such an inspiring event to me. Fashion Design has always been a passion, but I really have no idea why I am in today's state. Not being able to pursue a dream, I can only regret and work hard on my forte now.

Dinner was at The Garden Slug with B's, Zi Yi, Satish, Clarissa, Alvin, Hao, Louis, Wei Xuan and of course my Baby. It was the first time, first experience I gained for Baby was there to celebrate it with me. No amount of words can express how much I really am grateful for the day.

Thank you my dearest B's, for all these years of companion and support. I have no idea where I will be without you girls. Thank you Wai Yan for the make-up palette from Sephora. I really love it a lot! Kathy, your presence was more than enough for me so don't worry about what I want all right? Thinking back, I didn't exact;y get you a present last year! So no worries my dear! You are the best girlfriend ever anyone can ever wish for! <3 Thank you Ziyi, for the cute hand-made card! It was not of design standard of course, but it was really the thought that counts! And for that, I am very thankful! (: Satish, uh... Thanks for coming for the dinner and celebrating together with us and not forgetting the cake that you shared too! And thanks for driving! Hahaha! (:

Clarissa and Alvin, thanks for coming and giving me so much face! :) Your presence really mattered to me!
Thank you for the wish in the card too!

Louis, Hao, Wei Xuan Thanks Da Ge, Er Ge and my baby's qian fu! Hahaha! (: BTTE, STTE! Thanks for the wish in the card too! Really appreciate your presence! :)

My Brothers & Sisters. I know perhaps none of you may read this, but I would still like to thank you guys for this friendship and sibling ties. Though none of you could make it tonight and we said that we would postpone this celebration till a later date, I would still like to say this lil sister miss all of you guys! Arif and Rahim, do take care of yourselves in Thailand! And to the rest,

Andy, Boon Kiat, Cheng Hua, Denise, Farhan, Jason, Jia Xuan, Lee Hao, May Ling, Rebecca, Shaun, Sze Zhuang, Wai Leong, Winnie

Thank you all for this priceless friendship. Though most of you are serving the nation now and going through the toughest time, I hope you all would take care of yourselves and survive this period well! This 2-3 years of friendship may be short, but it's not a friendship that can be broken just like that. That is I hope it wouldn't. I miss you all so much!

Carter Seah Jia De. The things that you did for me, is not something I can express in words. Whatever I can say, I've already said. And I know you don't want me to thank you! So baby, I love you. Reallly really do. Thanks for always putting a smile to my face. The times whereby it always seem the hardest to live by, you will never fail to show me you are always there for me. :') I know there's a lot of obstacles for us to overcome, but I believe nothing is impossible for us for we believe.


Love is an everyday thing. :) 


I love you. Till Infinity & Beyond. <3




& Happy 19th Birthday to my dearest girlfriend, Delia Goh. <3

Love,

Estee

Reflection

"I remembered that during the second week of this block, I broke down for the very first time of my year 3. There was this sudden overwhelming feeling that daunted me. The fact that being in Year 3 was a heavy load to endure. But I can’t express how much gratitude I have to my lecturers, peers and friends for their never-ending support and encouragement. And so since then, I picked myself up to embrace myself the challenges that were coming forth." 

Ripped this off my Reflection Journal for Advanced Animation. I know I am a strong girl. And I am very thankful for the many people in my life supporting me throughout!

Family, Baby, B's, Clique, Twitter Buddies, etc! <3

Thanks everyone! Year 3 will past sooner than I know. I will not succumb to failure but only strive for success!

All right, back to my reflection now! Tata~

Love, 

Estee

HI, BYE!

HI! I got distracted by Mr. Ronald cause he needed someone to help him with coding for a website! Decided to head to Blogskins.com (Oh my god, ancient!) and boy it was so nostalgiccccc!

Okay, Audio for Animation class is starting soon! Tata!

Love,

Estee

Parties, School and Life Part II - June, July, August, September 2011

Today is supposed the start of Year Three! But lessons are only officially starting tomorrow and therefore I'm taking this chance to blog a little before going out to meet Baby later. Yes. 2012, has been quite an ironic year. This has gotta be the most probably depressing first half of the year for me I guess. And my dear boy has gotta be the only thing that is the best thing that ever happened to me this year. Well, but before I start blogging about the first one-third of 2012, I'mma start blogging about the second half of 2011 first. :)

And so continuing on, June 2011 started off with me visiting Choir Camp'11! The alumni sang Come Travel With Me and being there as an audience was really a nostalgic one! :') Those memories that Dunman Choir had pieced up throughout my Secondary school years is really an unforgettable part of my life. Then come mid June, Brother got enlisted into Army just like every Singaporean Son. The trip to Tekong with Daddy, Mummy, Sister and Vanessa was a fun one! :) Brother got into Kestrel Coy and we bid him goodbye for two weeks. Then come my holidays and we headed to Jakarta as usual for Father's Day and Grandpa's birthday. We celebrated Father's Day Lunch at a vegetarian restaurant different from 2010. And then Grandpa's birthday was celebrate at Teochew Palace in Mega Mall. It was truly an unforgettable night. But never did we all expect that it is the last birthday that we were to celebrate with Grandpa...

July was like a new start for me in school with new group mates and all. Then there was the class first chalet at Coasta Sands (Pasir Ris). We had great fun and I had a new nick name "Esteecia" just because I couldn't stand the stickiness of the floor when we first entered the chalet and started to mop the floor with the cloth while the rest of the class were just staring at me. Hahaha! :) But it was really memorable with Joshua telling us stories about the different dimensions of the world and the most unforgettable part was when I seriously thought I head a snake sound coming from under the bed and I screamed and Aaron jumped along with me! Hahahahaha! :) And so Ophys has a meet-up dinner too and I attended with Darling Dee! It was pretty fun meeting up with the people! I really kinda miss camp but honestly I don't have the time to commit, which is why I didn't dare join DOC for both years despite Si Tian's encouragement! :/ Towards the end of July, we celebrated Mama's 81st Birthday at Er-yi's house! It was fun as usual just meeting the cousins and all! :) 

August! Apart from the busy schedule at school, I basically get to meet up with the RHG people for a dinner at INSOMNIA@CHJIMES! The place serves really great food and the al-fresco dining was not too bad! :)  And I remember Brother making me really angry on a certain day and I refused to forgive him! Then Mummt planned this dinner at Astons@Changi Airport as I happened to be doing work then with Elson at Starbucks! To please Mummy, I just had to forgive him and he pinched me when we patched! -.- Oh and there's Sister's birthday celebration at Sizzler! That place is highly recommended for salad bar buffet! It's really good! :)

Start of September and the sad news hit the B's! Our Dearest Wai Yan Hazel B. Chin has to return to Malaysia to serve her nation! Yes, Malaysian girls has to serve their nation as they go through balloting votings! And so Clarissa and her planned a chalet for her friends to have a last reunion before she bid us goodbye for 3 months with no contact! Then the following week, I attended the Not-Too-Identical Twins 21st Birthday at the same chalet but different unit! I volunteered to help Mr Chow be his photographer and ever since then I have been taking up voluntary projects of many many birthday celebrations! I'mma happy girl with a camera to capture the happy memories! :D We got to met two new friends, and among them has gotta be one special one hehehe! :P Okay, not gonna disclose anything much yet because it's supposed 2011 September post! I'm really glad and thankful to Mummy who allowed me to stay at the chalet for two consecutive nights, allowing me to have so much fun with my Bros and Sistas! :)

Of course why Mummy allowed was because I was to start working at DHL for that whole month of holidays, which is another thankful matter I've gotta thank Mummy once again! The pay is really good and I really enjoyed my whole course of working at DHL along side with the bimbo Vanessa Chong! I met so many wonderful colleagues which includes Michelle, Jonathan, Fauzi, etc. and DHL really taught me a lot! It was a job that completely trusted us part-timers to work on our own. I had to lias with other countries DHL staff and send formal emails and this job really taught me a lot about the working society. :)

 Okay, seems like I gotta continue October, November and December another time round! Really gotta start vacuuming the floor a little and start preparing to go out to meet my Baby Dearest! Till next time!

Love, Estee

Parties, School and Life Part I

Well well well, ironically it's my first blog post of this year when the year 2011 is about to end. The thing is, with Twitter, there isn't much a need for me to blog. But since I chance upon my blog, thought I might as well just blog a little something. Well, this year has indeed been good and bad at the same time.

January was pretty awesome with the New Year celebration and Pre-CNY celebration. Shopping for CNY clothes and all. I highlighted my hair for the very first time! It was a whole new experience and it didn't turn out as I thought it'd be!


And moving on to February was the CNY celebrations! Sister's Year of the Rabbit. As usual, we headed to the various house for visiting! It was also the last year that we were to celebrate CNY at 二姑姑's house in Bedok Reservoir before she moved to Marsiling. Then there was Li Yun & Brother's 21st Birthday! Love and missing Bro's 21st celebration at The Aranda. Was busy preparing the proposal for his birthday alongside with my other I/C Zerlina. :) It's so funny that I came up with the Word Proposal for his birthday plan. There were the usual games, performances put up by Zerlina, Davin, Nicholas, myself and the birthday boy himself!

March was crazy crazy Project 1 production! The stop motions, 2D animation, 3D animation, Sound recordings! Those were really the days. :) Even when there were miscommunication, disputes here and there but we still hang on together as a group. Joanne, Mildred, Rafiqah and Ying Hui. Thanks girls!

April was Happy Holidays! Started out with WeiYing's 21st birthday celebration in the first week! Yes, the funny fact about this year's 21st birthday parties for the cousins - It's all held at Aranda Country Club. And as expected since it's the long holidays, I headed back to Bureau Veritas to work again! It was also Qing Ming Festival and as usual we headed back to Tg.Balai to pay respects to our ancestors. Food there was awesome as usual! Kim Yong Da Mee, Bak Kut Teh, Rasa Sayang Seafood, Long Beach, Murtabak, Bakso, Heh Pia, Gado gado and so much more! Can't wait for 2012's April! :)

May! My Birthday Month! :) And it was also the beginning phase of Year Two. Time really flies. And the end of the first block was the party weekend! Friday was Delia's 18th! And it was my celebration with my Poly mates. Thanks to those turned up. :) Benjamin, Joanne, Joshua, Mildred, Rafiqah,Uriah and Ying Hui! Thank you girls & Benjamin for the Birthday Hat. :) We dined at Tampines One's Secret Recipe at about 9 plus because it was submission day and everyone was rushing to submit the Final Assignment for 2D Animation Techniques!

Then Saturday was supposedly set to celebrate with the B's but due to some mis-plan, I the birthday girl decided to plan Delia and my 18th at Timbre! :) It was a lil' awkward because I asked DASERS along too and yet Delia's friends were not able to turn up! But everything turned out pretty awesome except that dear Wai Yan couldn't make it. :/ But nonetheless we had fun. :) Kathy had to leave at about 11 plus and so Ziyi and Delia with her. While the rest of the DASERS who turned up decided to head down to Clarke Quay for some drinks by the bay. Lee Hao bought me Vodka as a present and so we open it up and got Jason to buy drinks from Macdonald's! It was a nice night as I got to meet Rebecca for the first time that very night! The other half of the DASERS couldn't make it because they were at Taiwan but it's fine! There's always next year guys! :) Delia, Kathy, Zi Yi, Cheng Hua, Rebecca, Andy, Rahim, Lee Hao, Jason, Xiao Zhao and last but not least Jerome Kho. Thanks for celebrating this day with me. :) Love the presents too! Thanks all :)

And Sunday, which was my actual birthday was dedicated to my family! :) Just had a simple dinner celebration at Sakae Teppanyaki @ Airport and I swear I'm going back there every year on my birthday! It was Sister's treat for me and we bought a cake afterwards to cut at the end of the day! Thanks all for making my 18th a memorable one! And of course those long text messages by my dearest friends who made an effort to text and not FB! Haha! Just kiddin'! Thanks all who wished me!

Love,

Estee.