Where do I go from now?

During my FYP, I was very much looking forward to blogging my life again. Until after everything ended, the feel and drive then was not as much as I had that very time. I realized blogging and penning out my thoughts was not so 'fine' for me. I guess you can say maybe Estee Kho has changed...

The passion and excitement during those days of blogging were of much live and fun. Secondary school years was probably one of the best yet worst period of my life. The joys as a teen then were little contentments we had. Receiving our test results with good grades, choir after a whole morning of studying, the lessons taught by our teachers, etc.

Back then, joy was simply one's life simple attainment. But slowly... As we grow and face the world as a young adult, everything about reality seems to hit on us. We find ourselves getting frustrated all the time, knowing the adults that we used to know were not as nice, people are actually scheming creatures, money issues begin to be a burden, finding a job seems like choosing a lifelong partner, etc.

I know most people would be like, hey it's time to settle down now as I am turning 21 next year - Welcome to being an adult.
After graduation from polytechnic, shouldn't I be furthering my studies? It seems funny to me that everyone takes university so seriously like it is compulsory like primary school. I know.. Because being in this generation, most people out there holds at least a degree.. Don't even mention Masters and PhD. And so for us who merely holds a diploma... Where are we supposed to go from here?

The truth is, my answer would be... I don't know.

For me, I treat every job I take up as a challenge and responsibility. And so for now, I am being very cautious with the path that I will take very soon. I am not one that would want to leave my company in a couple of years, but rather contribute to the company my knowledge and working ability with all I've got and even beyond my limits. And so that is my problem now...
For where should I go now?

Where do I belong?

I know deep right down I shouldn't be here...

But it's just.. I feel so down right now and lost and so I guess this is the only place I can turn to for venting my frustrations in a long form instead of Twitter (limiting 160 characters).

It's while animating my Scene 3 midway that I feel all broken deep down inside. It's been a roller-coaster ride for me this few days. I have really no control over my moodswings and sometimes I really wonder if I should just seek professional help for that. It just doesn't seem right how I am so emotionally unstable at times. Yes, I just choose to not show it. Everyone wants to show the strong side of themselves to everyone, and that of course includes me.

You see, compared to many others living out there, they are trying to fight for survival. Their problems make ours so minute that sometimes I really find myself a pain in the ass. A nuisance. I just can't bring myself to feel so positive at my down moment. It's all and all drowning me till it feels like I am deep down underwater. I don't quite mean literally. But it's like the exact feeling I will get when I am struggling underwater cause I can't swim. I try to kick myself up but I find myself going down again. It's like an inner struggle within myself and I know I have to rely on myself to step it up. Not baby, not anyone else. Just me, myself.

It's one more week exactly to submission. It's sinking in to me that I may not be able to do as well as I thought but I already find myself drowning deep under. The immense pressure that is taking a toll on my body and the expectations of the many others who believed in me...

Sorry guys, Estee just isn't good enough to present to you the best of her work. Cause she's just not good enough, never will be...

Lovebird and When I Was Your Man

I would lay down next to you
Stay in bed all afternoon
We were birds of a feather
We were always together

And I never will forget
All the little things you said
And that beautiful summer
Used to call me a love bird

But the time went on, the wind has blown, and I have grown
And I started a feeling
That wings had been broken

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your lovebirds flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cus my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

I want the world at my feet
Even if it's bittersweet
Wanna stand on my own and
Put my heart in my own hands

Cause I begun to see
That you and me are different breeds
So I gotta believe in
Gotta get back to breathing

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your love bird's flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

And you'll always be a part of me
You made me who I am
But I gotta say, I'm not afraid
To test my wingspan.

Cause they say if you love something
Let it go, let it go, let it go
Open up the gate

Cause lovebird's flyin' away
Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

-

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!