It's not that I don't want to, It's I don't even know how..

It's not that I don't want to, It's I don't even know how..

Now things have turned out this way, what am I even supposed to feel?

`x estee x`

And thank you for showing me, that girl friends cannot be trusted.

I think, I really think, you hurt me damn bad.

Friends? Girlfriends? Are you serious?

I supposed that night was a way of compensation?

And to think I felt so guilty for maybe joking a lil' too harsh that night.

I don't know man, I really don't.

What good will there be?

I can't believe you're such a person.

I don't know, I don't wanna know, I really don't know what to do anymore.

Why should I pretend that I don't care, when in actual fact I really do?

For all I know, you're constantly telling tales about me behind my back which are not even true and I'm still happily talking to you at your very face.

Know what girl? I am damn fucking sad, I am damn fucking hurt.

`x estee x`

Seventeen!

I AM SEVENTEEN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! (:

LOTS TO UPDATE!

THANKS TO MANY MANY MANY PEOPLE FOR THE WISHES! :D

Will update more detailed soon!

`x estee x`

Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

`x estee x`

F.love.

Fuck love.

`x estee x`

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Somehow or rather, I guess I can never forget 14 May..

Headed home after school then left house again at 8 to meet the lovely people for dinner.
Dinner was at Fish&Co. with David, Deborah, Desmond, Desmond's girl-friend (Jenelle?), Gordon, Priscilla and Titus.
It was meant to be a surprise birthday dinner for me.
Honestly, I didn't really expect cause there's still 8 days till my actual day.
But I'm really grateful for everything.
As usual, Pris treated me! :(
Cannot like that okay! Your birthday, my turn to treat youuu!

Oh, I guess I'm never gonna go Fish&Co. to celebrate my birthday again.
I was asked to stand on a chair and the waitresses shouted to the whole restaurant to sing a birthday song for me.
So much for the attention. :/
Me no likey attention. Especially when that scenario was bad enough.
But nonetheless, I'd still love to thank the lovely waitresses for the song. :)

Thank you all so much. It's indeed very memorable.
I can finally blog on mysilent-sayings after so long..

`x estee x`

An hour an a half.

This week's submission week!
So everyone in Design school is basically rushing through!
I am vey much used to it, yea so fast!

I've finally finished everything!
Unbelievable! But I'm very proud of myself! :)

Yay, Dinner tonight with Pris and the guys!
So long never see Pris already!
Right, tata! I shall prepare for school now!

`x estee x`

Thirty-three hours.

The clock is ticking..

Time is running out.

I dread to see the outcome.

`x estee x`

There can be miracles, when you believe.

I'm pretty much drained from the amount of work that is pending. Some of which are not even possible to be done now cause the camera has to be charged. I've been thinking of ideas for my FunDigPho's final assignment. I vividly remember I was pretty much the only one that went like 'YAY!' when I got my theme for the final assignment.

Name: Estee Kho Xiao Juan
Subject: Colors (with human touch)

Colors! I remember saying I love colors a lot somewhere here! And yes I really do! But taking a step back and analyzing further, it's not that easy to capture the essence of the theme. Colors! It's anywhere and everywhere! But how then, do I bring out the strength and message of the photo?

It's a challenge. It's my challenge.

I consulted Mathias yesterday and none of my photos couldn't be use to get a decent pass. I knew it. Even before I consulted him, I knew it. I was utterly disappointed with myself.
"Estee Kho, are you serious on showing these piece of crap? You know you're capable of doing better than that."

And indeed, Mathias directed that fact out.
"No.. We can't use any of that. Estee, I've seen your work. You're much capable than that. You're much more colorful than that. You have to see beyond the problem. Look at the solution and not the problem. Only then you're able to bring out your creativity. The solution is to think out of the box, being creative. And you definitely have that."

I finally understand why previous batches of Mathias broke down before him. Cause one thing for sure, I could have done so too yesterday. The words, the believe, the confidence Mathias have in us is insurmountable of what I felt lecturers would never have.

Stepping into poly life, we were all treated and respected as young responsible adults. And from what I observed, there isn't much connection a lecturer would have between students and themselves. I really do not want to let these people who believe in me down.

Think of the ordinary as the extraordinary.

`x estee x`

And till now, I've failed so badly.

It took me years to realise how the world is changing everyday. People move on from where they left the previous period. And for some, they can't seem to get out of their past and live each day with negative perceptions within the recesses of their heart. I am utterly disappointed with myself towards the needs of my friends.

Friends - They seem to be anywhere and everywhere. But how many? How many do I actually count as a friend whom I'll be most willing to share my problems with? And yet, how many am I actually able to let them rely on me to share their burdens and problems? I always say: "I'm always a call/sms away if you ever need someone to listen." "I'll be here whenever you need me." "Remember, don't keep everything to yourself. I'm always here." But honestly, am I really able to be there to keep up with my words and promises?

A very close friend of mine was telling me: "Why is this world so unfair? Why is everyone just thinking for themselves and not others? Why do we always have to give in to them?" I reflected and summed up: "In a friendship, it's like a game of Tug-o-War. Eventually, the loser will fall and the winner will be able to stay on form. Same goes for a friendship, one will naturally have to give in to the other to prevent hurt inflicted on both parties. Imagine none of us were to let the other, the consequences would have been both injuring themselves from the tension of the pull. It's tough to maintain a friendship with mutual understanding and concern, for everyone is different and unique in their own ways. There're always different perspectives to see a solution from a problem. But who then, will be able to judge that their perspective is indeed the right solution?

For now, I'm still learning to be a better friend.

And it's definite that I've failed so much as a friend, till now.

`x estee x`

Ideation!

Oh Hi tinybitsoflove! It's been more than a month since I last blogged! School has started and well I've been packed with assignments non-stop! But I love my modules for this block! MOI is very much not what I expected - it's far better! Okay, at least for now school's been fun!

Right, should really go back to my ideation rationale now. Class's starting in another 45mins!

`x estee x`