Where do I go from now?

During my FYP, I was very much looking forward to blogging my life again. Until after everything ended, the feel and drive then was not as much as I had that very time. I realized blogging and penning out my thoughts was not so 'fine' for me. I guess you can say maybe Estee Kho has changed...

The passion and excitement during those days of blogging were of much live and fun. Secondary school years was probably one of the best yet worst period of my life. The joys as a teen then were little contentments we had. Receiving our test results with good grades, choir after a whole morning of studying, the lessons taught by our teachers, etc.

Back then, joy was simply one's life simple attainment. But slowly... As we grow and face the world as a young adult, everything about reality seems to hit on us. We find ourselves getting frustrated all the time, knowing the adults that we used to know were not as nice, people are actually scheming creatures, money issues begin to be a burden, finding a job seems like choosing a lifelong partner, etc.

I know most people would be like, hey it's time to settle down now as I am turning 21 next year - Welcome to being an adult.
After graduation from polytechnic, shouldn't I be furthering my studies? It seems funny to me that everyone takes university so seriously like it is compulsory like primary school. I know.. Because being in this generation, most people out there holds at least a degree.. Don't even mention Masters and PhD. And so for us who merely holds a diploma... Where are we supposed to go from here?

The truth is, my answer would be... I don't know.

For me, I treat every job I take up as a challenge and responsibility. And so for now, I am being very cautious with the path that I will take very soon. I am not one that would want to leave my company in a couple of years, but rather contribute to the company my knowledge and working ability with all I've got and even beyond my limits. And so that is my problem now...
For where should I go now?

Where do I belong?

I know deep right down I shouldn't be here...

But it's just.. I feel so down right now and lost and so I guess this is the only place I can turn to for venting my frustrations in a long form instead of Twitter (limiting 160 characters).

It's while animating my Scene 3 midway that I feel all broken deep down inside. It's been a roller-coaster ride for me this few days. I have really no control over my moodswings and sometimes I really wonder if I should just seek professional help for that. It just doesn't seem right how I am so emotionally unstable at times. Yes, I just choose to not show it. Everyone wants to show the strong side of themselves to everyone, and that of course includes me.

You see, compared to many others living out there, they are trying to fight for survival. Their problems make ours so minute that sometimes I really find myself a pain in the ass. A nuisance. I just can't bring myself to feel so positive at my down moment. It's all and all drowning me till it feels like I am deep down underwater. I don't quite mean literally. But it's like the exact feeling I will get when I am struggling underwater cause I can't swim. I try to kick myself up but I find myself going down again. It's like an inner struggle within myself and I know I have to rely on myself to step it up. Not baby, not anyone else. Just me, myself.

It's one more week exactly to submission. It's sinking in to me that I may not be able to do as well as I thought but I already find myself drowning deep under. The immense pressure that is taking a toll on my body and the expectations of the many others who believed in me...

Sorry guys, Estee just isn't good enough to present to you the best of her work. Cause she's just not good enough, never will be...

Lovebird and When I Was Your Man

I would lay down next to you
Stay in bed all afternoon
We were birds of a feather
We were always together

And I never will forget
All the little things you said
And that beautiful summer
Used to call me a love bird

But the time went on, the wind has blown, and I have grown
And I started a feeling
That wings had been broken

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your lovebirds flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cus my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

I want the world at my feet
Even if it's bittersweet
Wanna stand on my own and
Put my heart in my own hands

Cause I begun to see
That you and me are different breeds
So I gotta believe in
Gotta get back to breathing

And I can't believe
That I would never want to be set free
But I just can't stay
So your love bird's flyin' away

Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

And you'll always be a part of me
You made me who I am
But I gotta say, I'm not afraid
To test my wingspan.

Cause they say if you love something
Let it go, let it go, let it go
Open up the gate

Cause lovebird's flyin' away
Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my heart's been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

-

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

Time in the parallel universe

Have you ever wonder what would life be like if you are able to control time? Time. It is one thing everyone is fighting against, reaching out for. We know deep down - Life is short. But yet at times we just let it pass by every second just like that. Everyone, and I mean everyone would have wasted at least one second of their life. One second someone could be struggling for survival at the borders between Mexico and the United States. Another second, a new-born baby is trying its very best to be getting out of his or her mother's womb. And another would star just a lonely soul looking at the sky aimlessly, deciding what should their next step be.

Has it been human nature for taking things for granted?

At times, I look at myself and I wonder... How's life gonna be after I graduate, step out of my diploma years. I planned many many roads for myself... too many that now I am at a total loss of what I want to achieve. It is now in this peace and serenity, a space of my own while everyone is sound asleep, that I find myself penning down these emotional thoughts here silently.

Fear. Definitely. FYP is something I should be constantly worried for now. It is the last phase of my poly year, and then I will be a free bird - or rather, a lost bird. The motivation to keep me going has been there indeed. But whenever a though distance me away from what I should be concentrating on, I find myself lost in the dark woods. However I seem to walk or run, I am just unable to reach out for the light.

I know I'm not alone. The love and warmth that my dearly beloved boy is giving has been unconditional and selfless. I am very contented and proud to have him by my side. Though for now he's going through his National Service with the Singapore Police Force at Home Team Academy... we would always try to make full use of that very limited time we have together. It's really no mean feat surviving and supporting this relationship for eight months. Well, I know some of you out there may think it's just eight months.. but these eight months felt like eight years to me, to us. And we know for sure, this road of uncertainty has its ups and downs, but what's a relationship with no challenge, right?

Ok, guess I am just too tired to stay on track of the contents I said.. I am one messed up girl indeed.

I probably just need some time to myself and really think of the future...

Love,

Estee

Mood

It's funny. Funny that how moods are able to change within a short period of time. Mood swings. Something so close and apparent when it comes to being me, and especially when the time of the month for a girl is approaching. At times, I asked myself if there would be one day I would lose it all and let the whole emotional thoughts take over me. I could really get to one extreme that I don't even recognize myself or comprehend what exactly I was doing. Words that hurt, actions that kills. It always happen. And ended up, I would be the one suffering from my own wreckage.

Losing myself, my personality, my mood.

I just wanna be alone for now...

Estee

A minute me

At times I really wondered if since young I would be able to learn the piano like every other kids, life would be almost near perfect. 

Each time, I place my palms on the keyboard I would try as much as possible to sync both of my hands. Practice, practice, practice. But no matter how, I just can't get my hands to work on it. 

Why oh why..? :/

Estee

Feel

I have no idea why I feel so much for both songs. Especially Happy Birthday...

Love,
Estee